new saying "hi there!"
I can never tell if the font I choose is going to be great to see so for Auntie Raquel and Lala I hope this suits you;) I have decided that if I ever get the opportunity to write a book on parenting the first chapter will be "PANIC NOW! but do it quietly". I am now on the up side of a really tough down. Holy cow really tough. The kind where I felt like these sweet precious wonderful babes were laying in their beds at night plotting my demise in the loony bin. I even said out loud to Dana "I don't think I am cut out for this, I think I have to get a job, I can't do this, omg I can't." It was sort of the frenzied thoughts you, well I personally had, when I went into labor with Autumn and we had decided to go drug free. Actually to be honest it first happened when I was four months pregnant and I was watching some dumb show on TLC about birth and of course they choose the worst ones to share. I called Dana at work almost in tears "I can't do this". "Um Honey, you can and you will there is no turning back". That's how I felt last week. The scared, no petrified feeling that I was ruining my kids just by looking at them or telling them "please be nice to each other, for the love of God be best friends!" I felt like I was in a boxing ring with my hands tied behind my back and a gag of chloroform shoved down my throat. Dramatic. Nah, not this one. It was a tough week. I just couldn't get it together. I made the daily calls to my mother. I heard myself being the debi downer and just couldn't shake it. I faked it as hard as I could with the kids, we played hard, made messes, danced and sang but something just wasn't right. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted. Then almost thankfully, almost, I started my period (sorry guys but it happens) and got sick at the same time. I asked Dana "Seriously what is it like to be with someone manic? So nuts sometimes". The truth hurt but finally I saw a weight of a thousand men lift off his shoulders. He could finally tell me "I can hear it in your voice on bad days and I don't want to come home." OUCH!!! Who doesn't want to come home to me?! Sweet wonderful me? See above insanity if you are wondering:) It was a breath of fresh air oddly enough to hear that I was not a welcoming being to be around and I felt a snap inside that said "that is over and done with you have heard you can be a bitch now let's move on and change this up a bit...be nice."
So. Here I am on the other side of the valley and it is wonderful and bright and all things are possible again. I'm still a bit on the sickie side but I think I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had my hands in too many things and not enough me in MY family. Another freakin lesson.
Dominic is being dedicated tomorrow night. I think for me it is a way of saying, or maybe shouting "HELP! I can't raise this little one alone!" I'm excited to see the friends and family that will be there and I'm excited to dedicate our son to God and to really just give him over. That's still a bit difficult...just a bit. I say that as Autumn lays next to me in bed and Dominic is checked on multiple times in the night. I have totally given them over;)
|
3 comments:
Good morning! Wonderful blog! I love 'guts on the table' honesty and I applaud Dana for being honest with you when you asked him and I pat you on the back for allowing him to BE honest. But honestly, ;) we all have crazy days...I remember feeling nuts like that when I was younger and feeling overwhelmed with life. I was reading some of my journals the other day and some of the entries were down right scarey, AND I didn't share them with anyone. You and Whit made it through my crazy times. I believe that God heard my silent screaming in my head in the middle of the night because I could not control what I was feeling and thinking. He showed me mercy just like he has shown you mercy. You are doing an awesome job of taking care of your family and now it is time to take it easy on everybody (especially you and D) during that beastly PMS time.
No more periods for me but still a few mini-crazies that last only minutes now. That's a lie, maybe last a day but very subtle.
I think it means that we all suffer from them it's just that some of us handle it differently. Honesty with our husband is major to getting relief...I could go on and on but this is your blog and besides, I will see you in a few hours! Pajama party! But I have to be in bed by 10! HA! (seriously) I need my rest :)
Love you forever, MOM
Isn't it amazing how "people in our lives" don't always love us?! I had one of those crazy moments (mine lasted about two days last week) Ran out of my meds and I felt this incredible amount of anger and urge to do and say bad shit, but then I would have to apologize...No more PMS for me just CRAZY BITCHINESS!! My old spiritual advisor once told me that we grow in those valleys we encounter, and we do because that's the time we really have to get down on our knees and admit we can't do it alone. Sorry I won't be able to make it tonight, I spent my day yesterday smelling like vicks and icy hot to try to avoid a sore throat along with my herbal teas. Isn't it great we don't have to be super stars. Rach
My dear friend,
We haven't spent much time together lately, but let me just say......I am in awe of you. PROMISE I am not saying this to be a kiss ass-you rock as a mom! I watch you with your kids and I think-how does she do it with such ease, grace and patience? I truly have had a bit of jealousy at how GOOD you are at being a mom. And your kids are proof! Autumn is the most kind hearted, sweet, thoughtful child-always wanting a hug or eskimo kiss, always grabbing Meredyth's hand and encouraging her to play....she is proof that you are doing amazing so far and I'm positive will continue to do. I envy your courage when it comes to your kids, I envy your dedication to your kids, I envy what a great mom you are. I almost feel I can never live up to it, in fact! I love you so and although you may feel you are not doing a great job, you ARE!!!!!
Post a Comment