The things that matter

the good life

waiting for brother

Birthday cake by Grammie Jo for Autumns 3rd birthday

Autumn sees the backyard decorations for the first time

Little friends ready to eat the masterpiece

a happy day with my parents

Doms ride durning the party, Papa Bob powered!

this way young man

helping? or ready to push?


A successfull party in the books! After an incredibly busy week last week we managed to pull off all the arrangements for Autumns 3rd birthday party. The babies God Mother, Marisa, flew up from Arizona on Friday. Lala and Papa decided to make it a long weekend with us and picked her up and drove the last leg to Littletown.  Meanwhile Grammie Jo was busy busy creating Autumns original Polly Pocket cake. The process took a couple of days with all the details and decorations. She created a path made of crushed cookies, lined with MM's, the grass looked real enough to mow, and Autumn had three cupcakes in the front to represent her age, each with itty bitty Polly Pocket seals on top of them with their very own star candle.The display on top of the cake even had a girl that could whirl down the to the slide and plop into water. It was quite a show for the kids that came to celebrate! (We didn't get to light the candles in the wind, it also took some of our balloons, pray for the fish and turtles that they don't make it to the sea) :)
It was a great time with great people and even greater little people. I felt like it was a whirlwind of activity and then all the sudden the last of the guests left and we were all just here looking at each other like "what just happened?".
Now to plan Dominics second birthday!

I have tried to write to you all as I have had so many wonderful little things happen. Of course it seems that wonderful things happen after a not so wonderful realization but it's a growing process, yes? Last week was truly one that I will remember for a very long time. It had every chance to go very badly but we kept on keeping on and it went great. We had long days (the kids and I) we had sibling battles, a couple pinching fits, fingers in the eyes, lost cars, dance class here, dance class there, a hair cut, a golf tournament or two, and an auction for Papa Bob. Nothing seemed to jam us up though. The kids and I had one of the best weeks we have had. I have mentioned before that Mister Dom is a screamer. Holy. Sometimes I just didn't know what to do to the point I would sit outside and just listen to the screaming and sometimes even just hold Autumn with me on the stairs so we could have just a minute of scream free breathing. I was at wits end and I do believe Dana was as well. It may be common sense to the mothers before us or the mothers to be that vow never to ever lose their nerves or take a break or read a self help what the hell do I do book, but for us we just couldn't figure out what to do with him. It started to get to a point that we couldn't even ignore it because our nerves were so rattled we would have walked across hot coals with gasoline soaked clothing to make him stop. Then we did the obvious. We stopped whatever we were doing the second he started to scream. We sat on the floor so he could look right into our eyes and we said out loud looking into his eyes "Dominic, what is the matter baby?". He stopped. Took a breath, and in his babble began to weave a tale of what had just happened or what he was so upset about. He sometimes went on and on. No matter what we did not flinch from our alert listening. We stayed there until he was finished and either walked away or led us to the crime scene. Sometimes we could tell he was telling us it was something to do with Autumn. Sometimes her guilty face in the background was all we needed. We listened with occasional "uh huh, yes I see, ok, ok yes, are you okays", and Dominic turned into a different little boy. His screaming has not stopped but he screams coming towards us and stops when we get down and listen. He says "help" if a toy is stuck or lost, he says "yummy" for when he is hungry and he says "oh no" if he has lost something. I don't care if he reached a level all on his own and this just happens to be what we tried at just the right time we will do this until he is old enough to say "you really don't have to sit on the floor Mom". I really do believe that I have a new relationship with him, that my nerves are not shot and that he knows I am at ease with him. On his solo days we saw a different little man that was happy all day and eager to visit and play, now we see that little boy every day even when he gets frustrated with big sister that takes a toy...or two. Oh, thank you Jesus I thought I was going to the looney bin for sure.
Another thought that was on my mind last week was memories. Are the memories in my head from pictures only. So that the thousands of photos I have taken of the kids will one day remind them of something. Or are some of these things in my head because they were that good that I will always remember them. I started to think this last week because I was in a funk. I wasn't sure how I was coming out of this. I had just dumb people doing dumb things and no way to get an outlet of it. I had been working on Autumns table up at the B. Goodans and had gone back up to check if it needed another coat. I can't for the life of me remember what day it was. I have even asked Dana. We think maybe it was last Saturday. Anyway, it is a very important situation but the day is not important. Mamma Jo came home while I was up at her house and we had the best talk I feel we have ever had, and she and I have had some great talks. I felt a huge weight come up and off my shoulders. Here was a woman that has been through so much with me and for me and she stood there saying things that I know but at that time had to or needed to hear. It all made sense. It was awesome. We went on and on about life and the little things and the big things. The big things being FAMILY. The little things being the feelings we let other people hurt when they don't even know they have done it. Then we laughed because that is what she and I do great together. We hugged, I could have hugged her forever and I got ready to leave with the kids to meet my mother for the afternoon. I felt light and giddy. A fresh start and new ideas. I drove to Stanford and waited for my mother. When I noticed her truck pulling in while I was unloading and changing diapers I got a lump in my throat thinking that almost a year ago my mother was battling for her life and that when I had meant her in Stanford she was soon to have or had just had her double mastectomy. Her came my mother in her little red truck, her dark dark skin and her glowing white hair. Always bearing gifts. Always looking like she has a stylist stashed in her closet that says "where this not this". Smelling good always and glowing when she sees our kids. This was one of those moments that mattered. My mother meeting me in a teeny Montana town for lunch and a stroll to the park. Laughing at the fact we both thought a little boy was creeping and Autumn "HI BOY!". Of course Autumn bring attention to us as we try to hide in this park with no trees. It was a great day. Like a big sigh of relief and the energy around us was light and fluffy and all that other happy ha;) I cried a little behind my glasses when I took a picture of her and Autumn sitting in a little shade garden. The picture that I have of Mom and Autumn last year, my mother is wearing a hat because her hair is nearly gone. Her cheek bones or very prominent because she had started to lose weight. She had a port in that you could sometimes see in pictures. This year, this day, my mother is wearing a hat to keep the sun at bay since the chemo, but under that hat is a head FULL of white beautiful hair. She has a huge scar under her shirt and the lump on her chest is her sternum. But. She is sitting there with our daughter on her lap smiling ear to ear and I am taking a picture while watching Dominic run and be free with out a care in the world or any knowledge that this is a great moment.
Everything on this day was perfect. It was my "love tank" being filled to the brim. (Love tank is lingo from 5 Love languages of Children, a great book). I have a picture of Autumns table that will forever remind me of this day with Mamma Jo, and I have a picture of Autumn and Lala sitting among flowers in Stanford to remind me of gratitude. These pictures got me thinking of other flashes in my mind. What memories are from photos and what are really truly just memories. Or are they even memories or just my minds side of the story? I remember a day when I was pretty little, it was cold enough I wore a jacket, a bright puffy yellow jacket. I was riding in the back of a big old car and I said "DADS!" and then laughed as both my dads said "what?!". My Daddy Mark was driving and my Daddy Bruce was in the passenger side. I even remember we were in front of Fleet Supply. Do I remember this because we have a picture of the three of us in front of Johnny Dreasons(?) car or was it that good of a memory? I also remember a day I was even younger that I was walking somewhere in California with my uncle Earl and we found blue rubber balls all over this field outside a building. We took as many as we could carry. It was the best day for a little person. I was beside myself excited. I remember where my Grandma was sitting when we brought all these balls back to her house. I also have a picture of me on top of Uncles shoulders that day.
I remember eating the best coffee cake in the world the morning that Daddy Mark took us floating with the South Dakota family. I also have a picture of me on his shoulders.
One day a couple of years ago I was bummed about something dumb and Papa Bob said "Well, is it effecting your breathing? Then don't worry about it". No and's, if's or but's. I took pictures of flowers in our back yard that day and thought how right he was. I still have those.
Some of the memories aren't in the photos but I know the situation because of the photos. I know where our life has come from and how it is at this moment. I can see a picture of Dana and I in 8th grade and then think how fun our childhood was.
I spent a lot of time last week thinking of my family and the memories I have of them and the ones that I never want to lose and the ones that I never want our kids to lose. So many moments in life that you can't put into words but you can sometimes catch a glimpse if you can just get one little peek of that second. Last week was a second in my life that I want to keep forever. I want to keep that confidence and that feeling of strength and security and I want to put it in a jar and pull it out when I need it. Last week was an incredible week. I owe it to the mothers in my life, Lala, my wonderful mother and Mamma Jo, my second mother and Danas mom. They pulled me from a funk that had me quick and tight. In just a moment I sat in a pity party and wasn't getting up for anything. Then they let me know 'hey jack ass pull yourself together and realize how kick ass your life is!'
ok they didn't say that but they could have:)
Dana and I have incredible parents...f.y.i