Last night I sat peeing with the door open (don't all parents?) and watched Autumn walk by upset that it was nearing bedtime. Her tractor (a sound she makes when tired) had been revving for quiet some time and finally it was just time to throw the towel in. I could hear her concern for Mr. Happy (a large blue something with a happy face) and also Mr. Potato Head. So casually and matter of fact I said "Autumn, it is time for bed and Mr. Potato Head is NOT sleeping with us." There are just some things I don't care to roll over on or to have imprinted on my face. I wonder how I got here. I wonder when the moment in the heavens changed and I was on my way towards a life with Autumn and Dominic and Dana. I know a very important moment that it all became a possibility. I know that when I took my LAST drink I was on my way to happiness and my family is my happiness.
Someone that played a large role in my sobriety was killed on Sat. He was my friend. He was someone that was reliable and always always sitting in the same spot on the same day of every week. I haven't seen or heard from him since we left Arizona. Occasionally Dana and I remember "the boys". They will all have a very special place in my heart. I sobbed when I told my mother. I told her "I don't know why I am so sad. Oh my God mom!" She said it very simple and very real "He helped you stay sober in the beginning and now he is helping you release some of the emotions you have been hanging on to". Thank you Jim. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being consistent, thank you for living the life that you led. Today didn't start out sad. It started incredible with a play date with Liz, Mere and the boys. I will not stay sad. I will be grateful for Jim and I will be grateful for my life. I am giving myself a bit of time while the kids sleep to be sad. Really sad. To cry and not see well from tears, to stuff a sob or two, and to laugh at the group of friends I will always have from our Arizona days. I will be grateful when my babes wake that I can "fake it till I make it" real good because after all, how do I explain this to a two year old. I will not cancel the massage of a friend tonight because when you are down you should give right? Please pray for my friends wife and children and grandchildren. He will be missed but I will see him again!
2 comments:
How precious these moments are on earth when we realize the part that others play in our lives. That God has a perfect plan for all of us and sometimes we are blessed with a 'Jim' in our lives. He will live on in your story of the early days in sobriety. I am forever grateful that he was at the meeting that you went to for the first time and welcomed you with open arms and acceptance. I will be forever grateful that in his death he has opened up the door for your emotions to begin to heal. I am grateful to God that He walks beside you in everything that happens in your life. You deserve all the good that is happening in your life because you have been obedient in your 'walk' in recovery. No matter how hard it has been, you have done your best at the moment. I am so proud of you and your honesty. I love you, MOM
Honestly when Julie told me what had happened I felt very sad, like a close friend of mine had died. He was though, wasn't he..through you we all had a link to the world of sobriety. It's as if we all hold hand together to survive our pain, sorrows, and happiness. WE CAN DO WHAT I CANNOT. He came into your life at the right time, all those prayers were answered. Those tears will heal and know that I hold you close to my heart as you go through this. Love you Rockie
Post a Comment