How honest do you want it?

How could this cute face make anyone nuts?
 

such a handsome devil!
 

a glimpse of his attitude
 

this girl loves to make mud pies and mud milk!
 

this was not a "planned"mud day

hence the light clothing that is now "yard clothes".

Autumn plays hard in her shoes. Can you tell which ones she doesn't wear much?:)

People in general are always ready to talk about how incredible their children are. How early they started to walk, the first time they did number two in the potty, when they started to communicate without grunts and groans, how well they sleep at night, these are all like fantasy football stats. Parents compare, maybe not knowing that they are comparing but really, aren't we? I know that when I hear of one of Autumns friends beginning or succeeding in potting training I second guess our decisions to let her go at her own speed. I always mention that before her brother came along she loved using the "big girl potty". I say that for my benefit I think. Just so they know that she isn't slow and she isn't behind, she was ahead of the curve and then was slammed with a sibling. What do they call it? Regression? We don't push anything. We don't say no when Autumn comes climbing into our bed and we don't hesitate to bring brother in when he wakes up. We rarely say no to them. Autumn still uses a bink and we are not consistent with telling her she can only have it at night time. So, we blame ourselves for that. No biggy. I doubt she will end up with a shrink because she had a bink too long and we know a great dentist. I compare myself to other Mothers all the time. If you are a mother and I am looking at you I am without even thinking about it comparing myself to you. I don't think in the terms of "better" or "worse". I think in the terms of "how" and "why". I borrow a lot of my "skill" from other Mothers. Nothing I do is original. The only original thing about me is my DNA. Everything I do has been done before and most of my theories are already books. I just haven't read them yet. I want my kids to have everything. To be the greatest. To leave a room and people say "Wow! That is an amazing couple of kiddos." I want people to love them like we do, to get emotional when they think of them and care for their every second like I do. I'm obsessed with our children. Dana and I don't do normal. This is not to say we are different from many, see above. We are not original. We do stay clear from the doctors unless it is a well baby check or there is blood involved. I'm not good at sewing and I am sure the kids will have plenty of scars maybe even tattoos that I don't want to contribute to. Although they may be emotional scarred
 after a lifetime with me. We take our babes to a chiropractor for adjustments (all kids should go it's good for their soul) and we put essential oils on them for emotional stability, we pray over them, we cut up onions when Lewistown is sick and we grind up flax seed to make tea if an ailment calls for it. I smudge our home, I have a "witch ball" (at least that is what I think it is called) from a dear friend, it is meant to keep evil and bad spirits out of the house,we try to stick to a sugar free (TRY) diet for the kids and lots of fruits and veggies. I turn the car around if I see a black cat in the road, I talk to trees, and I use pressure points of the body to try to stop a tantrum or induce sleep. I am very close to calling a witch doctor or killing a lamb to calm our son.

I feel like just writing this I am cursing him to be a little shit. I try to never say out loud that he is making me crazy. I try to only keep those thoughts to myself or I share them with my mother. I sometimes whisper them to Dana. We NEVER say them where the babies can hear. We don't say "you are a brat" or even "you are acting like a brat". We don't tell them to be quiet and we don't push them away, EVER.
Today, we went to a local football game. Autumn had a fever last night but after putting peppermint oil on her and filling her with fluids it broke she came back around and slept a peaceful night, with us. She woke up happy and energetic, as did Brother. The day was gorgeous. We knew we were pushing the limits with nap times but we headed out and all was good. Dana took Dom on a walk to the other side of the field so I could have a chance to sit with my friends and our God Daughter. I feel like we never see her and she is Autumns age and her mother is a good friend of mine. Autumn started to complain that she wanted to go home. I said to please drink some water and let me take your coat off because it is hot in the sun. She wanted on my lap so of course I held her and told her we would leave when Daddy and Dom came back. I called him to let him know it was getting to be that time and to make his way over to us. Autumn grabbed her tummy and said it hurt, farted in my lap and threw up in my hands. I thought I had it under control. A handful of puke no biggie. She had more. A whole jacket full and then some. With the help of my friends I kept her calm and sat with warm puke in my lap and all over the two of us. I bagged the dirty napkins and wipes that people handed us along with her cherished red puppy and clothes and we left. I even left behind a perfectly good ol Fergus High school cup of coffee now that I think about it. I carried her home and Dana, after running with 30pound Dom around the track to get to us, pushed Brother in the stroller. The stroller wheel fell off and Dana let go to grab the wheel as I'm hissing at him "Don't let go of the stroller on a hill Dana! Jesus!" I try not to bring "Jesus" into an order often but I was sweating and trying to carry 32lb Autumn and a diaper bag that really has almost everything but the kitchen sink in it. We walked home calming down on the way letting  Autumn know that puking is perfectly okay and it isn't a big deal and we will clean her clothes and her puppy. She looked down and saw puke on my shirt and touched the back of my neck (she still had the soft stuff in her fingers) and said "Oh Mom, I threw up on your shirt, I'm sorry". "Autumn don't you worry about that! It will wash just like you and me! We will take a nice hot bath and get all cleaned up". "Okay Mom. Mom! Baby Puppy is back there, oh no I left him!" "No, baby, We have him, he needs a bath too." We make it home, take a bath, hose down our clothes and shoes and sit on the couch looking like we had gone through a wind tunnel. We loaded up on water and some easy tummy food and popped on abcmouse.com. All was right again and she was feeling great.

We did are norm. Nothing extraordinary and nothing new. Dom wanted to color and what Dom wants has to be taken care of quick. I grabbed the closest piece of paper and crayons. Sister came out and wanted to join in so I cut wax paper to cover the table and let them go at it. Dom had a fit. Threw crayons, ripped paper and started screaming and crying and threw in a couple kicks for good measure. I unhooked him from his seat, spanked his butt and threw away the torn up paper. My heart was racing. I hate spankings. I don't believe in them. I have spanked Autumn MAYBE four times in three years. Dominic. I lost count. It isn't working. I felt like an ass. I went to the bedroom and put on my yard clothes. I needed to go to the store anyway so why not get out of my "just took a bath since I had puke on me" clothes. I checked myself in the mirror. Train wreck. Who cares. Everyone will know I have a sick kid by the time I make it to the store. Screw the store I'm going to the bar. I wonder if they have music tonight, maybe I should change and put something cute on. These were my thoughts. Lightning fast. I don't drink. I haven't had a drink in 4 years 6 months and 29 days. But whose counting. I grabbed my headphones, changed my shoes to yard shoes and went out and mowed the lawn. I kept thinking "who can I call and go have a drink with", I was deep in this thought when I hit my head on a freaking tree. We have birch trees in the front yard. Big beautiful birch that shed enough leaves to fill a stadium. I hit this branch so hard my hat slid back, my teeth chattered and my eyes and nose started running. I didn't check for blood because I was in the front yard and if any one saw me run into this big ass low branch I didn't want them to know how much it hurt. I figured even if it was bleeding my hat and hair would catch it while I finished the front and I could cry in the back. I wasn't bleeding but I also wasn't thinking about drinking anymore, nice humor God. It wasn't that bad and I kept on to the back. I ran over a bag and had to stop the mower to untangle the mess. Now I was crying. Is it because I only breastfed him for two weeks? Am I too short with him? Don't I hug him enough? Can he hear my thoughts when he screams? What the hell am I doing wrong? I can't even mow the freaking lawn without knocking myself stupid (yes Autumn I said the "s" word) and now I ran over this bag and that rock that hit my leg really hurt and I'm probably crippled. Oh my God HELP ME! I'm not a mom, I'm a scared shitless chick that can't see straight and oh shit the gas is spilling, better wash my hands before I smoke or I will blow up my damn face that is breaking out like a 14 year old starting puberty. 

Then I stopped.

I took a deep breath. I said "Help me. Please just help me."

I finished mowing. I took a shower after walking in without talking to anyone. Which was no big deal they were both mesmerized by Meet the Robinsons. I came out and Dana said "Are you okay? Is there something I can do?" Sweet Dana. Fixer Dana. We had the most honest talk we have had in 4 years 6 months and 29 days. We could both admit that we are clueless. That we have exhausted everything we know with Dominic. We could both look at each other with deer in the headlights faces and say "I have no idea". We didn't come up with a solution. But, we didn't come up with a solution together. We agreed to do what we do. Learn more about the oils, pray more, be consistent with him. Silently my best friend and my best advocate looked at me and let me know, I've got your back. We stood in the back yard and got a little stronger just because we were on the same page of absolute confusion.

"Daddy! I come out!"
Dominic found us. We smiled at his face, his gorgeous sweet face pressed to the door to see us. "I want out!" His sister opened the door and in her precious little arms she clutched Baby Puppy and two pairs of shoes, hers and her brothers. She is a great sister. Dominic yelled "HI MOM!" "Hi Dominic". Dana said "can Mommy have a hug Dommie?" "YEP!" he came at me arms as wide as he can get them and his head down and to the side. I bent down and squeezed him and said in his ear " I love you Dominic". He gave me another hug and was off to explore. Autumn came in for a hug and our evening went on. They played and ran and I cheered them on and told them they were so fast and so awesome and please share.

These babies are my life.I know they are Dana's life too. They take us to the very edge of insanity then reel us back with their smiles and their hugs. They keep me real. The keep me humble. They also scare the shit out of me.