A mind trip

A morning at the lake with the babies

"whatsis Mom"

"I need to swim Mom"

just relax while I unload Dom

so you pick up a rock and you throw it in the water, get it?

yeah, these are my crocs, mind your p's and q's and one day they'll be yours

I think I need some help here Mom

time to think quick and make some shelter...or go home


The other day I got up and stayed up too early. By 10a.m I could feel myself getting crabby and tried to go lay down. My mind was racing with everything that should be done on a Saturday and why was I laying there except I barely had the energy to smile and laugh with the babies. I layed there thinking "what is wrong with you? everything in your life is great, there is no reason to be in a foul mood and all the things you think NEED to be done can be done later or never.
When I woke up at 3 in the morning I did what I do which is check my mothers blog for new laughs and tears, then wander to facebook (a site I love and hate equally). I started looking at pictures of friends from now and then and where they are now and thinking what if and why not and on and on and on. I started to miss old towns, cities, lifestyles and people. I didn't realize at the time but I was lurking in a dangerous spot. I just started to feel down. So, while I was trying to nap I started to think where my mind was and what I could do to get out of it. This is what I came up with...
Today I jumped in my Past. I took a left on Coulda Been Lane, drove up Self Will on Riot Run Hill, and looked over Pity Party Valley. My check Mind light came on so I turned around on Grace Loop and headed home on Gods Grace.
I jumped up. I had to write it down. I had to share with Dana what I was feeling and quick. I told him I love our life, I love everything about it but don't you ever wonder what if? He said "nope". So our day went on, we went to a football game and slow roasted our babes and I thought for sure I was better. I had done memory lane and snapped out of it. Later it bit me in the back and I snapped at Little Miss Autumn. I put myself in a much needed time out and hung out alone in our room for over an hour. Dana came in and asked if I wanted to go for a drive with him and the kids. He knows me so well. I went in my jams and shades "I don't have to get out anywhere do I?" We cruised, we checked out my old side of town and neighborhoods that Dana had never been in, we took Autumn to get her first Happy Meal. (She has had the food of course just never her very own). I sat in the back with them while Dana ran in and Autumn woke up in her seat a little disoriented. "Mom hold you?" "of course I will hold you!". i leaned over her seat and put my arms around her and lay my head on her chest, she put her hand under my chin and just held me there. When brother woke up next to us I started to move and I felt her grip get tighter "no, hold you Mom". So I just stayed put. I wished I had a way to capture that moment forever. Somehow writing about it will help me remember. Later, after we got home I popped in a zumba dvd and Dana and I started jumping around laughing with Dom creeping under our feet and Autumn watching the girl do the moves so smooth that we could not do. She decided this was not the night for zumba so we shut it off and took turns just holding her. I watched Dana with each, making Dom laugh and screech at the top of his lungs, catch Autumn as she ran back and forth hugging us, and always always smiling at them when they demanded his attention. For those moments nothing could come between him and his time with the kids. I sat there like I was watching from a window even though I was participating in the hug run hug run game. I smiled and could almost feel my thoughts from earlier in the day fall into a million pieces and float out the door. Nothing is better than times with my family. Nothing. I can't imagine my life with out them and when I think of my past I wonder how I got here. I wonder how such a crazy zig zag past led to that moment. Sitting in the town I grew up in, married to my junior high sweetheart, with our two incredible kids...then I thought, "oh yeah, I came home on Gods Grace.